walker, texas ranger

i received this in an email today. it needs to be shared with the world:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera ordysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the goodChuck, he taketh away.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have pissed off Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

op-ed

i have to write an opinion editorial for a class i'm in. it's due tomorrow. and i seem to be fresh out of opinions. yes, we have no opinions, we have no opinions today.

in fact, if you can believe it, i have actually referred to pharmacists and physicians as a health care 'tag-team'. i am so going down on this. woof.

on the plus side, i discovered the best website ever today. you type in any of your favourite musical artists, and it pulls up other artists you (most likely) haven't heard of that it thinks you'll like. yay! new music.

and speaking of music, i bought 'the pocket dj' last week, a book by one of my favourite bloggers, ultragrrrl. it's basically a book full of playlists for all occasions. it has some great musical suggestions, and also some playlists by pseudo-celebrities such as carlos d. from interpol. i love interpol.

ultragrrrl's blog is fun...she is a former editor of spin mag (my monthly music gulty pleasure) and current hipster who dj's in nyc. she drops names of new bands frequently, and quite often tells tales of hanging out with people such as brandon flowers from the killers. mmm. brandon flowers.

now back to my wrestling analogies and bullsh*t blabber.

weekend vacay

i'm off to the queen city for a few days. should be good times.

i had my last midterm ever yesterday. weird to say, and it hasn't really sunk in. i've got my last finals coming up soon and we had our orientation for our big pharmacy board exams yesterday - none of this is sinking in yet. i think that i'm going to have a panic attack over the holidays when i realize i'm old and have to grow up. blah.

oh, and i found out yesterday for sure that i'll be in ottawa from the end of december to mid march, so that's fun. mostly i'm looking forward to sleeping in my comfortable bed and having my parents make me waffles. oh, and that also means i'll be doing my first rotation at the hospital i have applied to do a residency at. if i don't get chosen, then i'm going to sabotage them. muwhaa. just kidding. sort of.

well, off to skoolio! catch you on the flip side.

beware: cuss word ahead

poor bush. didn't someone tell him to stand more to his right?

alas, that photographer is my new best friend.

drug mythbusters

so, i'm a science geek. i love mythbusters. i think it's awesome, and if i were only smart enough, i would love to be on that show. it would be so fun to make things blow up. oh, and to have the budget to blow them up more than once.

in one of my classes, we had the opportunity to do some 'drug mythbusting'. our prof handed everyone out two questions, and we had to search the literature to find the answers to these totally wacky questions. today, we shared them in class.

now, this whole schpiel leads me to one of my classmates responses. she had a totally obscure question, for which she could only find one trial from like 1977. now, for you non-science people, evidence applied in practice is mostly considered current within the past few years. back in the day, trials were not run like they are today (and were much less eithical). anyways, because there was only one trial, she presented the evidence, and gave a brief summary of her answer.

now, the funny part of this story lies in the trial that she found. it turns out that the study was looking at how effective a particular anti-nauseant (ie: gravol) was at making people not want to barf after they took a dose of morphine. so, the dudes running the study gave people the anti-nauseant thirty minutes before the morphine, gave the morphine, then spun them around in a chair for twenty seconds. ha! spun them around in a chair! i love that part. it gives me the funniest mental image. i guess if you can handle being spun around in a chair and a dose of morphine and not spew, your gravol is working.

evaluate this

so i have a class in a huge lecture hall in the arts building. today, as i was walking to my seat, i spy a paper on the ground which i proceeded to pick up. turns out there is a biochem class in that room before us, and they had just received evaluation forms for a teaching excellence award. okay - i've filled these out before. a brief survey about your prof that the university uses to hand out prizes. well, lucky for that prof this one didn't get handed in.

i will give you some of the highlights from the written portion of the survey, in which students are asked to, 'outline (using examples) how your teacher demonstrates the qualities that you have just ranked.' keep in mind, these are being directly quoted from the sheet.

1) kinda really boring
2) crappy person
3) i want to grasp his man breasts
4) should be less homo with arm motions
5) should not come to class hungover or stoned
6) highly sexual - often grabs crotch

it made me laugh.

i really have nothing to write about. my weekend has been fairly useless, except for friday night when i saw harry potter. that was fun.

now, i'm sitting in my room trying to make myself study to no avail. i have the attention span of a goldfish.

on the plus side, i have been listening to some good music. i have newly discovered coheed and cambria, and their tune 'the suffering' has been on repeat in my skull for the past 72 or-so hours.
on another musical note, i almost bought dookie last night at future shop for ten bucks. i should have. maybe i'll go back and pick it up. i once had that album on tape, but threw it away along with ace of base and nkotb. the latter two of the three actually deserved their demise.

nothing else interesting to say. i still maintain spinach is a good source of iron, despite what your mother may tell you. green leafy vegetables people. green leafy vegetables. go ask your dietician.

now, to pass 5 hours until grey's anatomy.

you might be a redneck...

if your house is on wheels and your car is on blocks.

priceless. jeff foxworthy was on the view this morning. dang, i love that show. it's a total guilty pleasure. i think i like it because joy tends to make the rudest, most politically incorrect statements that i would usually say, and she gets away with it. and the things that come out of barbara's mouth sometimes surprise me - she can be dang funny.

i also love chimichangas. we bought these ones from costco that are v. good. although, they could be better proportioned - they're all chicken at one end, and all cheese at the other. they really should have it mixed better to make the whole chimichanga experience more enjoyable.

i finished up my application tonight for the ottawa hospital residency program. if wishes were fishes, hopefully i'll be there next year. i had another job interview today and it went fairly well. i managed to put my shirt on the right direction this time, so that was a plus.

it's getting to be that time of year now when i'm starting to look forward to heading back home. only twelve days of classes left - ever. although, as my mother says, i shouldn't sit around and wish my life away. i have alot of things to look forward to in the coming weeks: harry potter, my chemical romance, new episodes of the oc/apprentice, and the drink a small town dry that i've planned.

for right now, i'm just going to sit and enjoy my mm&et cd and revel in the fact that i'm at a point in my life where i can go anywhere and pretty much do whatever i want.

i am my mother's daughter

today was a good day. interview went well, but i did something so barb. i got home, eager to change into my afterschool uniform of sweatpants and hoodie, and shortly realized that i had my sweater on backwards. oh, the awesomeness of it all. good thing cowl necks are are pretty much the same thing on both sides. really, you couldn't tell if i was coming or going either way. i did momentarily ponder when i dressed why the front was longer than the back, but i sat down and the feeling passed.

and other good things happened. i got tickets for harry potter v.4.0 on friday. so exciting. it's going to be so good, i can hardly contain myself. my muggly senses are tingling.

oh, and we'll just keep this our little secret. i bought a new toy yesterday. shhh.

they've shown this on both screens

i have decided that blogs are more fun when there are pictures involved. therefore, i will include some pictures this go-around.

this was a whirlwind weekend, beginning with entertainment courtesy of juliette and the licks on thursday night. not the best show i've seen, but juliette sure can wear some skin tight white pants. which is awesome if that's what you're into. unfortunately, i like boys.

my astute concert accomplice m pointed out that she looks like mark mckinney in a wig.
















the best part of the show was our local weather man drunkenly struggling to dance and appear cool. no such luck jeff, no such luck.

then i drove to regina. as stated in earlier post, regina is ghetto. what does a girl need to drive to regina? a whole seat of goodies, including purse, camera, mittens, and the new broken social scene.

















it was a great day to journey across the prairies. it was clear and warm (for november), and few people on the road to see me having a sing-along to my favorite cd.

















oh, regina. you sure know how to welcome a girl. i mean, without the sign i could be anywhere!

















so, i had a lovely time with lynnie c this weekend. we did nothing, and it was blissful. however, i did manage to spend alot of money shopping whilst doing nothing. now, it's off to work on homework.

first job interview tomorrow - good thing i write things down, because i had totally forgotten. reality almost bit.

dialogue of drunks

so, i was the responsible dd last night. little did i know that the conversations one has with friends while they're intoxicated and you're sober are actually quite hilarious. i'll share one particularily funny chat, which stemmed from me commenting about regina....

acs: do you have relatives in regina? you totally look like this boy i went to highschool with.
j: no, regina is totally ghetto.
acs: i know. i honestly don't know how i made it out alive.
j: totally. i mean, how many people did you stab while you grew up there?
acs: i don't know, seven or eight?
j: awesome.
acs: and did i mention that i've been stabbed five times? i'm like the fifty cent of knife wounds.
j: sweet. but hey, at least you've stabbed three more people than you've been stabbed. so rock on.

please note. i actually haven't stabbed anyone. but regina is totally ghetto.

i have to go get dressed. i'm off to regina.

apparently the devil lives in my apartment

so i have wireless internet. when you have wireless, the connection is pretty much a crapshoot. some days good, some days not so good. when your internet is pissing you off, you have the option to view the other wireless networks in your range. evidently, in apartment buildings, this means that there will most likely be more than one network in your range - however, not all are accessible.

long story short. the devil has a wireless network in my building. most networks are named fun things, like 'home' or 'netgear'. then, the other day 'the devil' popped up. who knew hell was wireless? you'd think it would be dial-up. kind of like rural saskatchewan, but really warm instead of really cold.

unfortunately, he's operating a secure connection, so i can't hack in and figure out what porn sites he frequents, or other juicy details like that. i bet he's an ebay shopper. i also bet he's the reason pogo.com is so dang addictive. i love you word-whomp!

to juliette and the licks tonight, which i'm sure is going to be as hedonistic as my building's internet frequencies. too bad for juliette though, she'll always be a little slow in my mind.

memories....

la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa la. so, i bet me singing that song would sound better in person. or, maybe not.

anyhoo, i just blew by my 150th post.

happy 152.

i have to go pick up my mum from the airport now. she's coming in to town to shower me with lavish presents and hugs. oh, and she's giving a lecture to my class tomorrow. why do i have to pay tuition for this? she lectures me at home for free. *zing*

psych. actually, i'm stoked for her to talk. hopefully she won't wear spandex like she threatened.

and as a pair we got voted 'most popular' so we're giving a toast at grad together. huzzah to me making a dork out of myself infront of my class and 400 of our closest friends.

i love finishing things. today, my group handed in our proposal, a project which we have been working on for the past two months. it ended up being a 52 page paper (including appendices, but also plus a huge patient info binder) involving marketing, finances, logistics, etc of a pharmacist initiated program for post-myocardial infarction (heart attack) patients. it feels good to be done.

so good, that i'm going to margarita monday at earls. i love lava lamps. when i get rich, i'm going to buy a slurpee machine so i can make fun drinks in the comfort of my own living room. and have dr. pepper slurpees at my command.

which reminds me. i was at the movie theater the other day, and ordered a blue slush puppie. here is the dialogue of my sour encounter. *authors note - this may be slightly different from the actual dialogue that occured*

amanda: hi. i would like to order a blue slush please.
pimply movie theater girl: it's runny.
a: okay, then i'll get a red slush please.
pmtg: it's runny too.
a: fine. give me a dr. pepper.

which leads me to think in my mind. who made this stupid girl the slush nazi?! i just saw another staff member give some other lucky wench a slush puppie, and now you are denying me the cool flavour burst sensation? i believe i have a right to purchase a slush puppie if it's runny - it's called discretion. thank you for telling me it's runny, but i still want the damn slush. aaaaargh.

now, it's all i can think about. that, and this.

material girl

dear madonna (or esther, depending on how you're feeling)

how you are playing with my mind! i came home from shopping yesterday to someone on my floor blaring abba. alas, it was not abba at all (as i was so eagerly thinking) but it was your new single, hung up. now, that dang catchy tune has been stuck in my head for two hours. and not only your new song, but i have had to move on to your older tunes to start to satiate my poppy-dance-disco cravings. beautiful stranger, american pie, ray of light. you're like an addictive drug. pretty soon, i'm going to have to pull out the donna summer because you won't be enough for very long.

someone call betty ford. my name is amanda, and i am a disco addict.

bruised and broken

is it wrong that i want to eat at amigo's again? i think i could eat at that place eight days a week. veggie burgers, enchilladas. mmm. and now that my three week hiatus without tasting anything due to the worst cold in the history of colds is over, i'm craving me some mexican flava flav.

last night was a hilarious return of my social life. i haven't been out and about in a long time, so it was good to be back with friends acting like a mofo. i did yell alot at hockey players, but mostly because of their funny last names. like dickie. that's unfortunate for him. and i yelled alot at the advertisements on the boards of the rink. one said 'tell 'em big kenny sent ya'. tell who? i just don't understand. so, i told most people last night that big kenny sent me...and i didn't get any discounts.

and another thing. the bar actually played good music last night. i love hearing old school missy elliot, notorious b.i.g, and snoop dogg. there is something about that stuff that makes everyone shake their booties.

okay, it's taken me like half an hour to write this. i keep getting distracted by items on my desk. my favourite kiehls moisturizer, my cinnamon bun philosophy samples, and my shiny new ticket to juliette and the licks next week.

i need to get dressed and search and destroy some burritos.

i am off...

to drink beer for several hours. to yell at hockey players, even though i don't know all the hockey rules. to shake my tail feather. to enjoy the fact that i have nothing to do on saturday but relax.

you've got to love it...

when people come and give a talk to your class and totally diss your mom's organization...and when the purpose of the common good is totally misunderstood, and making money gets in the way of public safety.

hurray to me putting supid people on the spot and making them defend their company's standpoint. hurray to my prof for backing me up. hurray to everyone who damns the man.

i'm getting all riled up.

i'm going to go punch something.

coax me

today has been strange. i think i kind of got offered a job in a roundabout way. i was talking to a guy about setting up an interview in december when i'm back in ottawa and he said, 'as far as i'm concerned interviews are just a formality. it will be nice working with you'. so now i'm all freaking out. i think the fact that i'm actually graduating and actually going to have a real job is sinking in. my brain can't handle this kind of stimulation right now. it's slowly oozing out my ears.

and i shouldn't be allowed a credit card. online shopping is way to convenient. my fightcats clothing should be coming any time. however, the poor internet cannot take all the blame. i also send other shoppers to do my bidding. i have a friend who's sister gets a dangerous 40% off at mac, so hello holiday gift sets.

i think i should go to bed so my bank account doesn't incur any more damage.