paranoid android

i am perturbed.

this is a moment which calls for large words that express my disdain.

i went to london drugs tonight. that in itself isn't unusual. i go to london drugs often enough. i like browsing around.

what has sent me into an emotional spiral is what happened at the check-out as i was trying to buy my new copy of spin. prior to The Incident, i was standing on line* nonchalantly flipping through the pages of the crisp new magazine. (side note: i am a monthly spin buyer, but am especially excited that rilo kiley is on the cover...'silver lining' is one of the best songs i've heard in a long time. go listen.)

so, back to the story. lady infront of me finishes paying, and i step up to the counter, when i get what i think is going to be a friendly offer. 'we were running a promotion which is now over' whispers the cashier as she slyly reaches into a box tucked beside the counter, 'but do you think you would like one of these?'

i get giddy. even through the new magazine excitement haze, i know the lady infront of me didn't get this secret offer. i feel like i'm being let into some special underground london drugs fan club, where only the most special customers get offered special prizes.

then It happens.

she pulls out. a. fannypack.

i slightly recoil. not just a fannypack. but an electric blue. surfs up. fannypack.

i panic. how does one kindly reject the offer of a free fannypack which a cashier has generally gone out of her way to offer you? and a secret after-promotion fannypack at that?

'thanks' i stammer, 'but i don't think i'd use it'. i grabbed my twenty cents change and booked it for the door, trying not to vomit from a sense of shock and disgust.

once outside, a whirlwind of emotions hit me at once. why has she chosen me to receive a sacred end of promotion fannypack? it hits me like a mack truck. ohmygod. DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD WEAR A FANNYPACK?

shit. i have spent my life trying to erase the memory of the pink fannypack i once work around disneyworld. hell, i would rather wear that fannypack than this one.

now i'm having some kind of fannypack identity crisis, and am wondering if i should ever leave the house again, for fear of being mistaken again as someone who would ever use a fannypack.

i think i am in need of a stiff drink, and a large dose of move-to-another-city-so this-doesn't-happen-again.

*i have decided to use the american vernacular