oh, life could be so fair, let it go on and on

sometimes life just bitch slaps you in the face. you forget about certain things/people, then something pops up to make you ponder the past, how things could have been different, and emotions swirl again.

and even though you know you need to get over yourself and move on, there is always the 'what if?' in the back of your mind.

i think i need to sit myself down and have a stern talking. i need to get things straight. what am i going to do in the next month/6 months/year. how am i going to design my career path, and how am i going to make sure that my choices make it easier for me to be closer to family and friends. and how am i going to make it so there are no more 'what ifs'?

my life has been 100% structure up until june this year, now it feels like someone has pulled the carpet from under my feet and said, 'amanda, here's the real world. go.'

i don't know what this means. where am i supposed to work? where am i going to be happy living? what do people do with all this free time? my entire life is now free time. no exams, no projects, no homework, no going back to school shopping. this concept freaks me out. how do people do this?

i can have a social life now. i now have to find hobbies that don't involve mtv and limewire, and can take more than a few hours of my time per evening.

i have so many options, yet don't know at all what to do next. what if i make the wrong decision? it's too much to decide. i keep feeling like the decisions i need to make will suddenly be solved. like all my answers will come to me as a burning bush in the alley behind my house. and maybe i'll be hit in the head with a stone tablet that has the next five years of my life chiseled into it.

come to think of it, how awesome would it be if that was some rite of passage that everyone went through? like we all walked around until one day - and you wouldn't know where or when - you got hit in the head with a tablet that told you what to do with your life. you could be on vacation in mexico on the beach and *bam* you're hit in the head, drop your corona, and on the next flight to your new job.

man, that certainly would make things easier.

now on an entirely different note, i would just like to express how much i like the new spoon record ga ga ga ga ga. i posted a link yesterday to one of their performances on snl a couple of weeks ago. 'you got yr cherry bomb' was in my head all day. and 'rhythm and soul' is like the best song.

i would also like to give a shout out to the new pornographers and their video for 'challengers' as it prominently features a banjo.