stay golden...

i hope you all watched the indulgence that is the golden globes last night. because, i plan on commenting on several aspects of them today.

#1 - joaquin phoenix - i love you. just give me the word, and i will give up my life here in canada, and move to the states to be with you. i will bear your children, and make you very happy. keep in mind you must give me a weekly allowance for shopping, and keep the fridge stocked with cottage cheese.

#2 - virginia madsen - next year, please. leave your boobs at home. as of yesterday, they have seen enough action for a lifetime. your poor dress.

#3 - eva longHORia - wipe that face off your head, bitch.

#4 - writer dude of brokeback mountain - i love that you thanked your typewriter. you are officially my favourite person ever. please thank your hairbrush next year...oh, and perhaps use it.

#5 - the hollywood foreign press - thank you for not letting any desperate housewife win. nobody needs to see eva, terry or marcia blubber on stage. i would have conceded for felicity, but you let her win for transamercia, so that works too.

#6 - sandra oh - you are funny. you are from ottawa. you should have thanked canada in your speech, because you know that every single person in canada was yelling 'she's from canada' and pointing at their tv when you won. you know it.

#7 - zach braff - ditch mandy moore. sure, she's cute, and someone i would most likely be friends with...but you can do better. like me. she doesn't love you like i love you.

#8 - harrison ford - what happened to you? you sound half dead. do us a favour, and stay at home with calista, so our last memories of you aren't so creepy.

#9 - eric bana - uhmmm. you're hot.

#10 - scarlett johanson - uhmmm. you're useless.